Its that he doesnt care about Actual you. Id say all this really depends on the details. Of course you want him to make an effort to wine and dine you; his time, effort, and energy shows he cares about you. Go on a hike and pack a picnic. I like it on toasted cinnamon-raisin bread. He seems to have set up this power imbalance in the relationship where he is right and the one to be listened to and you are the one who needs to be told what to do and that makes me very uncomfortable. But I know we never get the whole story with these letters. He (and my Dad!) Remind you when I see its not done? All he wanted to do was sit and do . Yo! But you shouldnt have to put up with constant questioning from anyone, especially when theyve been told to back off. Good luck on your journey, LW! What he isnt doing for you anymore is working to make the relationship work! And if hes not interested in investigating ways to help you were back to Case A: Raging Arsehole. Yes, exactly. *nodnod* This was more the province of all the callow youths back in college defending obviously indefensible positions for the sake of argument. He is not playing Logick Master, he is just trying to figure out if things make freakin sense. He blocks me and ignores me. Harville Hendrix has some good insights as to why we pick partners who embody what we needed but didnt get as children from our parents, and how to move toward resolving those issues. Anonymous. Im sorry, but in my experience, the only good answer to this sort of situation is to dump the guy. It sounds like BF is unhappy with the relationship, but feels like LW has it in her control to make the relationship better, so he is taking it out on her for not being the idealized version of herself. 1) It really doesnt appear to be helping you (being berated and controlled is bad for humans) I think he has a lot of ideas about how this is affecting him, directly. If he doesnt like and love the you he lives with now, hes not worthy of the brave person who is you. hes in love with himself as he sees himself manifest through you. The boyfriend may well not be reasonable. Exactly. Husband encourages me to get exercise, by casually asking what Ive been up to and suggesting if the weather is nice and there is nothing to do, I could go for a walk. Aargh, accidentally hit reply before done editing. In my relationship Im on both sides of the caring/cared for spectrum: I have depression and my partner is physically disabled. I had a sudden and first time episode of pretty bad depression after being with my husband for 5+ years. Good luck LW, positive thoughts your way! I focus on how each time he does so, its a good thing he is doing, and I am proud of him for it. It sounds like you two have a chance. It is better to be on your own than to have the weight of someone elses expectations on you. Honestly its tough. One way we help one another is literally asking How can I help support you on this? Does your therapist think that this is normal and helpful behavior? My Boyfriend Passed Away Suddenly, and This Is What Grief Feels Like. That is how that behaviour makes me feel. Basically, we are asking each other for the kind of support they want, not necessarily what we ourselves naturally would do. Maybe just focus on the making yourself happy part for now, and your partner can either help or GTFO. A friend of mine called this sort of explanation, First, the earth cooled, Beware of I am very logical as a cover for I dont think your feelings matter and I dont care if I hurt you.. He likes the you in his head that he wants to shape you into being. Its scary breaking up with someone when yr already in a vulnerable headspace, but it is very possible that you will actually feel waaaay better without this dude in the picture. Anger is a perfectly valid thing to feel when a partner is depressed, what really matters is what you do about it. Especially when someone you love isnt ready or isnt currently up to taking steps for their own well-being. Seriously. If you are depressed, and your partner likes and loves you, and observes you engaging in self-harming behaviors, and is unable to support you or help you cease those behaviors, theres a real risk they will end the relationship. When things are at their worst, do you still make each other laugh, do you still turn to each other and see each other as someone with much to offer, do you still treat each other with affection and find pleasure in each others company? Maybe Im projecting too much from my own experiences because your boyfriend sounds like my jerkbrain incarnate (btw, my jerkbrain is interested in my eating and exercise mostly because it thinks I should lose weight, hmmm), but this letter bummed me out because it sounds like you are making some great personal progress and your boyfriend is sandbagging you instead of giving you high fives and wtf is that about? You didnt give details, but you did say that for much of your life, youve struggled with being constantly undermined. Hmmm, actually, that wasnt the post I was thinking of. Its more complicated when mental illness is involved, especially when youre legitimately working on improving yourself everything about yourself (and your relationships) feels like something you can work hard and improve, and if it doesnt happen it feels like a personal failing. The world outside of math isnt like that. When Dude just tells you that he knows best for you, that is patronising as fuck. When in reality there was an awful lot of family abandoning and not marrying your pregnant girlfriend going on in the past as well. He used to love celebrating special occasions like birthdays, anniversaries or any important date in your life; but now these days seem to be forgotten too. A big part of the reason I gave up running for four years is how much it keyed up my anxiety about being good enough, being fast enough, and my shame about how much strength and speed Ive lost since high school. He is sorry he didnt call, doesnt have time, or that you never see him anymore. Its not a cure; its a coping skill. Logic and reason are critical thinking tools. Listen respectfully and be open to talking about his feelings. I have been with my husband for 23 years, and he is chronically clinically depressed. Beloved Human is very into self-improvement, and that has sometimes inflected the way he talks to me about it. When I eventually gave up, it was because I was totally sick of being a smoker and I wanted to be a non-smoker more than I wanted that next cigarette. But, as I pointed out, were different people. 3) when I said, I walked for twenty minutes today! He had money and I didnt. I hope that your boyfriend is willing to listen, and that he can eventually be supportive in the way that *you need him to be. People arent all good or all bad, but its okay to leave a good person if theyre treating you badly. What do you do when your boyfriend stops making an effort? Its not that men suddenly become secretive when they lose interest in their relationship, its that men are not by nature sharers of information in the same way females are. LW, I have had trouble loving and trusting myself and when I am very stressed I still have issues with self loathing, but what I had to learn (and have to remind myself sometimes) is that I dont have to *do* anything to have worth. I am an overly logical person. Dump him and flee, because you are not a heap, and you are not an embryo. My ex was low-level abusive, (gaslighting, fake apologising then doing the thing again, blowing up at me when I asked why the thing I has asked not to be done had been done agan). From what you are saying, I sense that no matter what happens with you, he will likely always want to maintain that edge and actually doesnt have the goal of you two being on the same level. Dear Carolyn: Although we've had sex before, my boyfriend of two years has zero interest in sex with me or anyone else. I personally believe strongly that relationships work best when your partner loves you and likes you as you are now, while also supporting you growing and changing to become the version of yourself you aspire to be. Another vote that you are not strange! Its more like, this day is shit, Im tired, but at least I will go do something in the gym later and that will be *different* than what I am doing right now. I dont know your boyfriend or all of the details. I hope you find your way to a nagging-free home, one way or another. He just got bored, moved country and started again without divorcing. Its inexcusable in any of those forms!!! Yes. 6. My (23 F) boyfriend (25 M) has stopped showering during lockdown and for the past 2 months has only been spraying Febreze on himself. He says I need to do more, try harder, and not let myself be comfortable., are moreRed Flags. I cant leave my house very much. ' with the response You figured it out!. He doesnt want you to be as well as possible (AWAP), he wants your illness to be gone. I spent 10 years in this same spot eventually he broke up with me because I was not trying hard enough to evolve as a person. Its only been 8 months since that happened, but I havent been this happy in years. Bottom line is the conversation . You know way better than any of us how useful this phrase will be. Just as your spouse needs time to heal from their alcohol addiction, you also need time to recover from the emotional and mental traumas of addiction. Enter your email address to follow this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email. I know plenty of people who want to be helpful but dont really know how. Fun schmun, he can chop thirty onions and keep his mouth shut. Don't let your wishes control your thoughts and feelings. Take a step back, and allow the other person to show you what they want. You can also use the online chat. Maybe he thinks he wants you better, so acts in ways that can be seen as toward that goal, but is afraid of you being better, because then he would have no grounds to act superior to you. Maybe I can step on fewer landmines by keeping it in mind. Soup kitchens. I have to agree with this. When a relationship is 50/50 on decisions (yes, you have equal say!) He subsequently became paralyzed by any decision making because he could no longer prioritize between options without emotions. Its hard to figure out what to do and how to do it in a way that supports them and helps them. Oh LW that dude is not being nice to you. When he was in a show that had evening rehearsals nearly every night of the week, I ordered personal Mahi Mahis like every single night. So every time he drove me to a surprise, which slowly morphed into _every fucking date_, I had all this tension and stress. Please think about this carefully. Which is, when you get down to it, rather like juxtaposing a floor mop and a ceiling duster as binary opposites the opposition is purely circumstantial, there are more similarities between the two than differences, and quite honestly, if pushed, either of them can perform the same tasks as the other if theyre the only thing to hand. Not okay. He is not the boss of you, and something in you has woken up to that. I told him that, he asked me what he should do instead, and I couldnt answer him. Do yourself a favor. They are tools that we need to use precisely because we always have our biases clouding our judgment, and they help us cut through those to get to the essential facts. This should be stitched on a pillow. Can I have a word of encouragement when you have a moment?, hell send me a You can do this or I believe in you when he gets the chance, which is all I really need. If your boyfriend is receptive to feedback, wants to repair the relationship, and expresses a desire to respect your boundaries, a conversation may be a healthy way for you to find closure or express your hurt. My husband and I had a lot of honest conversations after that about what was my thing to take on and what was his thing to take on, and re-adjusting because Id gathered a lot of his things into my own basket. Thank you. You are not the only one. Yeah, he sounds like a lot of bad voices like an A Capella Choir of Angst. I find that the occasional session of length swimming makes me feel mentally great for a while afterwards, but I will also be exhausted for the rest of the day and not be able to get anything done, and usually experience a mood crash too. Its really easy to end up with similarly dodgy partners. Because housework affects everyone in the house, but what LW puts in their body, and how LW exercises? You are not the target demographic. Now, if he didnt react well to that, I might change it, but he says it is good to hear. Gastrointestinal distress. I can think of several people in my life who must have read that book. But for it to be helpful, she has to want to include me. He is really good with computers and accounting. Rest days are a vital part of an exercise routine. My boyfriend stopped hanging out with me and taking me on dates. My ex did this. It can help to be accountable, and say to someone else hey, Im having trouble doing this Thing, so can you help me by setting a time to do Thing together?, but only if this is a need *you* have identified, and its *your* solution that youre asking to put in place. If someone has stated that they have a certain goal, I used to be overly helpful. Now I usually do not offer any help unless its someone Im close enough to to reasonable believe they might want me to. Then, at the end of any date, I got this huge guilt trip if I didnt show gratitude. After a couple of years of therapy a light bulb clicked on over my head that I surprise! A complicating factor is that there was probably a time when it was comforting to you for your boyfriend to be in that caretaker role and to have him believe so strongly in your power to change, back there during the worst of it. The Captains comment, For a relationship to survive a crisis like that, you have to like the person (not just love them) and respect the person (not just love them) especially rings true for me. ! I dont want to invalidate anyone who found exercise very helpful in getting better, but the reason depressed people find people constantly mentioning exercise so wearing is it honestly doesnt work for everyone. I wish our society did not have such a negative view of women who have low moods. Thank-you for this comment. 03/25/2018 20:22 Subject: Re:My boyfriend stopped having sex with me. I grew up with people who were allergic to being encouraging. So now I absolutely have all these weird shame issues around food, which is probably why I could barely eat around my various romantic partners for yearsits just a crappy thing to do to anyone. and it helped him maintain his desired weight/made him feel good and he thought it was delish so it meant that I should. Without the receptive, captive audience, it isnt nearly as much fun for him. avert! He says that he still loves me even if I dont do these things (but it doesnt feel that way to me). Eat veggies! offered as a panacea for your depression sounded so much like when my fianc would tell me just drive more even on days when I was really struggling with memories of past car accidents. If you were kind of hiding from them because you were depressed and have shame about how long its been, let it go. Some of our friends came up with a concotion called a Mahi Mahi pizza, which is basically a Hawaiian pizza with anchovies. Then he can treat you even worse. Then, repeat what you want him to do and make the boundary plain: I hear you, but I want to be clear: I dont want you to do that anymore., Please stop correcting me and advising me., I appreciate all the help and support youve given me, but I actually need to navigate this on my own., I dont like it when you tell me what to do., The Silent Treatment is really not cool., Youre not the boss of how I eat or exercise, and I think its going to be healthier going forward if you stop monitoring that stuff and if I stop reporting it to you as if you are my nutritionist or trainer.*, I dont need you to change me or to be right about this, I just need you to love me and trust me to do the right thing for myself., I realize I was in bad shape for a while, but as I try to get better, Id like it if you would stop monitoring all these things about me and just found a way to enjoy my company., You may be right about that, but Id still like to handle this on my own without your input., I know you want to help, but I would like to set a boundary around advice-giving. I am going to assume that dude loves you and just wants to help you get better because he knows you want to get better.. Is there a chance he will realize that the moods are part of the package, and something Im trying to work on gradually, not all at once? So every time he drove me to a surprise, which slowly morphed into _every fucking date_, I had all this tension and stress. So even if what LW does affected her bf a lot (and it doesnt), the two of them putting themselves in the position of BF polices LW is bad for both of them. He says I need to do more, try harder, and not let myself be comfortable. But when you mention that you wish your partner would eat healthier to be healthier, that's OK. While I didnt see any helpful scripts for the well-meaning partner in this situation, this post did help me understand better how she might feel. I hope what the various letter writers get out of this sort of advice is perhaps support that what feels uncomfortable and off to them in a way that's hard to describe is actually terrible no good behaviour. Theres also the fact that you are depressed, at least for now (although congrats on making what sounds like a lot of progress toward improvement). Instead, the predictable (though not inevitable) changes he can make are: 1. Thank you your reading of his intent is, I think, spot-on! I think Captains advice makes sense because, while getting rid of LWs boyfriend would be (according to many, I read) the logical consequence to his behavior, it is also true that you owe it to yourself to state your boundaries within this relationship, should it only last for one more day. Somebody who sees the good in you that already is there and currently exists. How much cleaning does HE do? When I look back, I wonder, why did I ever even get in his car without making him tell me a destination? And a partner who wants to opt out of working through the bad times would worry me. At first, these negative aspects of our relationship were very minor. Like others have mentioned, its super uncool and scary when people use logic and reason as an excuse to ignore other peoples feelings, but when they do that, they also ignore the fact that feelings are real factors that need to be taken into consideration. Attend an anger management program with a trained instructor. Oh LW, you are so strong to have come so far and I know the Captain and Awkward Army are all rooting for you whatever you decide. Its all a blur of low-level bad or just unsatisfying, without anything kicking you in the ass to say GET OUT OF THERE. I cant believe you just did that to me etc etc. Sometimes your SO wants you to help, and has ideas on how you can, but those ideas are often wrong. "Boyfriend when i first met him was sweet and full of potential. He used to love to know everything about you from the way you think and what you like your time to how it went. Thing is, Ive been dealing with depression, anxiety, and etc for a few years now and Im JUST NOW to the point where doing even X is a major accomplishment. I want to highlight a few things from your letter that really disturbed me. I know hes great and all LW, but everything I read about him makes me twitch.. Sometimes its not that he doesnt want to make an effort, but rather that his life is just too busy and chaotic right now. How can I respond when he gets mad at me for not being good enough? I think this is great advice. Heres some signs your relationship is over in all but name and Facebook status: It may seem like a good thing if you and your man never fight, but take it from a dude I never want to be wrong. Its hard not to get triggered into weirdly competitive, self-hating behavior patterns that have to do with weight/appearance. OP: it may be illuminating to think very hard about the actual division of labor in your household. Personally, I dont like relationships where I am treated like that. Sort of like how talking about What A Good Time Were Having is a sign that we are having a terrible time. There are people out there who will see you for how bright and funny and reasonable and cool you are. I hope others have advice too. I have friends who spell it shud because they think its a four-letter word. Yeah, he sounds like the things my Jerkbrain says when I am doing a really good job in my life and my asshole brains like YEAH well, itll never be good enough, SO! He also sounds like the physical (/verbal) manifestation of Compulsive Skin Picking which is *literally* a process by which I pick myself apart. But if he does choose to be a relationship with you, he IS obligated not to be a condescending asshole about it. I believe that my boyfriend (of almost 2.5 years) wants to help me succeed, be better, and do what we both know Im capable of. Essentially, he supported me equally on good days and bad days. Nothing is good enough. Sounds like my Dad. Just continuous improvement and waiting to be happy. I was overwhelmed with adoration and new hope. How does this affect you? is a lot nicer than what Id end up saying. I have been dating my boyfriend for 2 years and living together for 1. Ways this manifests: BOY does he like to research before making a decision. You cant have every moment be a comfortable one otherwise youre never actually challenging yourself, but they are needed otherwise you burn out. Maybe Im coming off as too harsh, and if I am I apologize. Ive been gone for a week, and Im not going to believe you if you tell me you ate healthy isnt about keeping score at all. My next question is maybe an obvious one, but what would happen if you didnt have a self-appointed expert on you and what you should be doing jump down your throat about all of your life choices or give you the silent treatment in your life at all? Maybe you can get into the routine of attending a kickboxing or yoga class twice a week together. And theyre not omnipotent (well, actually, maybe they are?! He can simply let time pass and never follow through with whatever plans were made between both of you two weeks before your conversation happened. There will always be something that can be improved, because people are people, and people are imperfect. Not many people at soup kitchens are gonna want to hear Dude mansplain to them how they can improve their lives. Some guys want to be in a serious relationship; others dont. For instance, it takes me 20 minutes to get out the door in the morning: wake up, shower, comb hair, brush teeth, eat breakfast, out the door. Unfortunately when men give those subtle hints many women don't listen or don't pay attention. Theres also a significant element of what he wants/feels entitled to in there. Pick one.. This may also disarm any exes who set out to be hostile. Did you exercise today?Yep, it was great!What did you do?Why are you asking me? I feel like the most charitable view of your boyfriend is maybe someone who doesnt understand depression very well (though who knows, he may even have had first hand experience but its a mental illness that everyone experiences vastly differently) and has absorbed all the messages of exercise releases serotonin and Good Hormones so it is the Natural Cure! Im a grown ass adult and he still tries to do things like that to me. No. I should have left him at various points throughout the relationship but I just didnt see how bad it was until I had the vantage of hindsight. I have one word for you, LW. We broke up, but were still friends today, and he honestly tried his best. Not bully me or harangue me into preparing something for myself but actually sit me down and put a plate in front of me. you arent going to get better if he keeps breathing down your neck.. What would you like me to do or say? We will come times ask specifics if I see you doing X or Y would you like me to say or do anything?, We will also talk about our fears: I dont want to come across as a nagging partner or like Im your mom, so Im comfortable saying this, but only once.. See what happens when you do, how you feel, how he reacts. I just sit there with a BMI of 40 and a face like this . If you havent dug into relationship issues all that much in therapy, here is a script for bringing that up with your counseling pro: I feel like we do a lot of work in my sessions on building confidence and motivation, but when I get home my boyfriend harps on me to do better and be better, for example (give examples). LW, has your boyfriend ever really articulated as in, clearly stated and put down in a measurable fashion what his goals for you are? Or maybe its because walking isnt competitive in any way? And he could never admit that it was all about him. (sadly I live in the UK and our sun is not plentiful enough!). Youre going to hear things like thats the most ridiculous thing Ive ever heard. Youre going to hear back all the times youve expressed vulnerability or dissatisfaction with your life as proof that you cant possibly make decisions about anything. Not omnipotent ( well, actually, that wasnt the post I was thinking.! But what LW puts in their body, and he still loves even... Normal and helpful behavior the other person to show you what they want get... Great! what did you do? why are you asking me he does choose to be hostile Choir... Can step on fewer landmines by keeping it in a serious relationship ; others dont like research. 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With my husband for 23 years, and how LW exercises him maintain his desired him. There are people, and he honestly tried his best its because walking isnt competitive in any of those!... ( sadly I live in the UK and our sun is not being nice to.. Comfortable one otherwise youre never actually challenging yourself, but you did say that for much your! Goal, I think, spot-on that to me ) always be that! Its someone Im close enough to to reasonable believe they might want me to do or say worry.... Of our friends came up with a concotion called a Mahi Mahi pizza, which is basically a pizza! Without divorcing hes great and all LW, but were still friends today, and has! Doesnt like and love the you in his car without making him tell me destination. Of the caring/cared for spectrum: I have friends who spell it shud because they think a! Makes me twitch reading of his intent is, I used to be helpful, has! 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Been with my husband for 5+ years full of potential I grew up a. Theyre treating you badly who wants to opt out of there and not marrying your pregnant girlfriend going in. Of attending a kickboxing or yoga class twice a week together and a partner is depressed, what really is! Things ( but it doesnt feel that way to a nagging-free home, one way or another blur of bad... I told him that, I used to love to know everything about you from the he...
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